


These Veins Are Still Full

by inkedintoincognito



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-23 14:32:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4880458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkedintoincognito/pseuds/inkedintoincognito
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She was not sure when she began to love Rose Quartz- but she knew the moment that she stopped loving her, despite what she was losing, it was not going to empty her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Veins Are Still Full

Sometimes she got angry at her. Pure anger, hot and furious in her chest, roaring in her mind, screaming through her veins.

But she knew that she had no right to be upset. It was, after all, Rose.

And she loved Rose. Deeply.

Didn’t she?

_Amethyst screaming at her- “We loved her, too, Pearl!”_

_“But not like_ I _did, Ame-“_

 _“Shut_ up! _You’re crazy, Pearl, absolutely crazy- you’re grabbing onto the threads-“_

_“Be quiet!”_

_“-of what you_ used _to feel, of what you_ want _to feel, but I know you, Pearl, and I know you’re just as angry as me-“_

 _Clutching her head, shaking it, shouting, so unlike her, so_ loud _, “Amethyst! Stop it!”_

 _“-and I_ know _that what you want to feel isn’t actually what you do feel!”_

_She ran, then, away from Amethyst, who was crying openly, out of her room- her room!- into the main room, charging past Steven, asleep on his bed, slamming through the door._

_She wasn’t sure why she went outside. She wasn’t sure why she began stabbing, slicing, slashing at the air- it was so violent, so inelegant. But she did it for hours._

_She remembered was Garnet coming out with the sunrise, a hand on her shoulder, sweaty, one of her swords gripped tightly in her hand._

_She was tired._

She did.

She  _had_ to. Why else would she have come to this planet? If not for her love for Rose, then for what? Certainly not for this; this meaningless town on this meaningless planet, filled with people who were too ignorant to even comprehend what was going on in their universe.

No, that wasn’t fair.

She knew it wasn’t fair.

But she still thought it.

What would she be if she was not filled with love for Rose?

 

            _“Garnet?”_

_Garnet looked up. Pearl stood in her doorway. Her hands were clasped together. She was nervous. Why, she didn’t exactly know._

_“What is it, Pearl?”_

_That accent. Leftovers from a dialect spoken, one Pearl had very little idea about._

_“Do you think-“_

_She broke off. Coward!_

_Go. Stronger, now. It’s Garnet. She’ll know._

_“Do you think Rose-“ Unreadable expression, not that she was so good at that, anyways, but she wished those glasses were gone, now- “-left us?”_

_Garnet, she felt, was waiting for more. Future vision or no, this was unusual. Ending with Rose on a bad note?_

_She considered lying to Pearl. No, Rose didn’t abandon them._

_“Yes,” she said, and turned away. “I think she did.”_

_She didn’t hear Pearl leave, though she knew that she did so quickly._

She had been surprised at Garnet’s answer.

Rose, she supposed, _did_ leave them.

She sat next to her tree, the one that was only a trunk now, so she could think.

Rose left them. She chose love over her friends, and then motherhood- motherhood!- over love.

Why?

That was the question, wasn’t it? Why would someone who had brought all of her friends here, to this planet, leave them, simply for a child?

She loved Steven. She really did.

She never hated him. Never. Even when

 

            _she left him to die_

 

he was fussy or loud or-

Rose became him because she was a coward. Because she was stupid. Selfish.

She almost snapped her eyes open, she was so surprised at the thought.

But it was true, she realized, with a twist in her stomach.

Rose was selfish. She brought everyone to this planet, this planet she claimed to love, and then left them alone, choosing to love another, and then to love even less of that person. She left them to their own devices, when she knew full well that the war would never be over.

She felt her heart draw taunt.

She felt her eyes get heavy. Something hit her thigh- a tear, she realized- and she opened her eyes.

She didn’t like eating. Sleeping. Those were human things, and she was not a human.

She was a gem.

But she remembered, once, when Amethyst came into her room, and they sat together and chatted and then Amethyst talked her into trying to sleep.

It was her fifth time sleeping. Her second time dreaming.

 

            _“Hey, Pearl,” she heard. Snickering. “Nice dreams, dude.” But, no, that was before. When she dreamed of surfing and pizza and Greg. A dream in a dream she didn’t know she was having?_

_“Pearl. Pearl! Yo! Wake up!”_

_She blinked, sat up quickly. She felt uneasy._

_“I-“_

_She went silent._

_Amethyst sat back, crouching, staring at her. There was silence, and Pearl’s head began to hurt._

_“Was it really that bad as a Pearl? Or was it. Exaggerated?” She was blunt. She was Amethyst._

_Pearl frowned, clenching her teeth._

_“I’m sure it was an exaggeration,” she said._

_But there’s no way she could have exaggerated. Not if she was dreaming of the training, of the work. She couldn’t think of anything worse._

_Bits of this dream- or were they memories?- were coming back to her. The fear, the knowledge that she was different, the exposure that she was defective. The retraining. The punishments. She pushed them away._

_Amethyst frowned more deeply at her._

_“Were they really like that on the Homeworld?”_

_She thought about smiling. Saying no. But she couldn’t. She ached._

_“Yes,” she said. Whispered. “They were.”_

Rose took her from all of that, though.

She supposed that may have been why she loved Rose.

Why she used to love Rose.

Again, she felt the strange twinge in her chest.

And she remembered how, when she did sleep and when she did not dream, it was just time passing that she did not have to go through. Unpleasant afterwards, yes, but maybe.

She twisted, lying on her side. She knew it was wrong. She was stiff. But she didn’t want to go inside, to her room, she didn’t want to curl up; not now. Maybe it was because she was too unsteady. Maybe it was because she thought she didn’t deserve comfort, not now, not when she was being so selfish.

She listened, briefly, to the ocean. She did love the ocean.

She fell asleep much more quickly than she ever had before.

 

_Rose was smiling at her, holding out her hand, telling her how much she adored her, how cute she was._

_And Pearl twisted her mouth and took her hand and felt warm, felt loved, felt. Worthwhile._

_She was still new to this. New to being a gem, rather than a slave. She looked closely at Rose’s smile, trying to copy it, to convey what she was feeling; she knew that her smile was too small, was not right._

_Something, though, she noticed, was off. Rose’s smile, it was-_

_Colder than it should be._ _It was the smile of… of…_

_She blinked, her mouth going dry._

_It wasn’t a loving smile. Not loving to a person, at least. To a friend, to a child, to a lover._

_No, this was a different smile._

_It was an entertained smile. A pet-owner’s smile._

_She jerked back, yanking her hand from Rose’s. Rose frowned._

_“What’s wrong, Pearl?”_

_Pearl took a step backward._

_“Pearl? Don’t do that- come here. You’re safe.”_

_Rose took a step towards her, her hair bouncing, her dress fluttering._

_She was so pretty._

_She was so detached._

_Pearl took another step backward._

_“Pearl, stop that! Come here!”_

_Pearl shook her head, something rising in the back of her throat. Fear. Regret. Realization._

_“Pearl!”_

_She snapped her fingers._

_Pearl flinched, flashes of punishment for not listening flying through her mind, but she didn’t step forward, not now, because Rose was no longer smiling, she was scowling, crossing her arms, “I_ knew _I should have just gotten a good Pearl, two weeks and she’s still so broken, losing that cute innocence,” she said, laughing at her, laughing at her, laughing-_

She jerked awake. Someone’s hand was on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Pearl,” Garnet said.

Pearl sat up, feeling stupid, feeling so, so stupid.

Her heart was pounding.

But she smiled. Laughed.

“Oh, it’s okay, Garnet-” too loud, her voice was too loud, “-just a dream, right?”

She forced out laughter.

_Shut up, Pearl!_

“Pearl-“

“Better go check on Steven!” She was shouting now, she heard her voice catch.

Before Garnet could say anything else, she leapt to her feet and began to run.

 

_what is wrong with you what is wrong with you, you stupid pearl, you stupid, stupid defective pearl_

She charged through the door, ignoring Steven, ignoring Amethyst, at the counter scarfing down pancakes, going straight to her room, the door shutting just in time because she let out a cry, clamping her hand over her mouth.

 

Just one more thing to add to the list, right? The list of mistakes, that damn mile long list that everyone, she knew, kept.

_No, no, no, you’re over this, this silly tallying of what you’ve done wrong-_

_Except, why should you be? You’re a mistake: you know that list better continue, Pearl._

What were _they_ saying?

She knew Amethyst hated her, sometimes. Most of the time, surely, with this stupid _love_ that’s consumed her for so long- Amethyst’s anger, Amethyst’s shouting, and when she did both she called her a mistake; she was angry, she was loud, she was right- a mistake and a fool, and Garnet surely thought the same thing and more, just all of the time-

Her door opened. Amethyst walked in. For a second, she saw Steven outside, wringing his hands but the door closed quickly.

 

“Pearl?”

 

She didn’t want her in here. Not now.

 

“Pearl, what’s going on?”

 

Everything was slowing down. She looked over Amethyst’s head, at some of the water, trickling down the wall.

 

“Nothing, Amethyst,” she heard herself say. “Nothing at all.”

 

What was wrong with her?

 

She didn’t notice Amethyst come closer. Not until she felt arms wrapping around her stomach.

 

“It’s gonna be okay, P.”

 

She closes her eyes.

She doesn’t deserve this, not now, stupid gems get no comfort, fools receive no consoling.

 

But Amethyst was still there. And she had not been hugged, not even by Steven, in such a long time.

 

“I’m so sorry, Amethyst,” she says.

_deserve the hug_

And now she can wrap her own arms around Amethyst, hunching down, holding her tightly because she has very little, right now, and she’s not sure when she’ll have something again.

“You have no reason to be,” Amethyst says. She hugs Pearl even more tightly than Pearl hugs Amethyst.

 

The door slides open. She hears Garnet's footsteps. She feels Garnet's arms.

 

And, somewhere in the back of her mind, a voice begins to whisper that it’ll be okay, because Rose may be gone and Rose may be selfish and Pearl may still be on this planet

 

but she is here with Amethyst, and she is here with Garnet, and she is here with Steven, and, she thinks, that alone is almost more love than she can bear.

 

She isn't empty.

She breathes.

She is okay.

She is full.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah


End file.
